I know my posts in here are sporadic at best.
Just a reflection of me probably. Occasionally pensive.
Back in Paris with my husband. I’m trying to learn French which is frustrating as hell. It’s like trying to catch confetti. You think you got it, but really it’s just a big mess.
So instead of writing my dissertation, I am updating my blog…cuz…why the hell not? I’d much rather be writing in here then trying to formulate a coherent thought in a giant paper for which I am getting graded on.
I’m in Paris! Wha..what?! WTF? Yes, it’s true. It usually doesn’t feel like it to be honest. I’m getting really good at avoiding people I’ve noticed. When you can’t speak much of the language of where you are living it sorta turns you into a chicken shit. I just feel like an asshole or a dumbass like 90% of the time. Not that it hasn’t been amazing. There’s so much of Paris to love (especially if you have oodles of money) but mostly I feel like a character in a cartoon that is sneaking around trying to hide behind stop signs and oddly shaped things.
But I’ll be back in Chicago soon enough…and then I’ll be bitching about being in Europe again I’m sure.
Mostly, I want a decent job and to pass my dissertation.
EDIT: Do I complain too much? I think I do. I’m in Paris for pete’s sake-my life is COOL! Jesus someone tell me to shut the frick up…
I AM IN DUBLIN!!!
Wow, what to say other then…WOW!
I can’t believe I’m here. I can’t believe THIS is MY LIFE. Words cannot express how deeply grateful I am to my parents for making this possible for me. Also, to my friends for letting me crash on their couches for 2 months. I unpacked my suitcase completely the other day and nearly started to cry for joy. It’s SO WONDERFUL to finally have a home again. A room and a closet to myself!
Dublin is…tinier then I expected. Well, everything in Europe is just smaller. The states are just so sprawling. Chicago is just absolutely IMMENSE compared to Dublin. Other then that though it’s just been hectic. Moving here, trying to find a home. trying to make friends. trying to navigate around Dublin. Its all been overwhelming to say the least and I am super anxious to start classes on Monday.I’m dying for some more structure and routine in my life. Back in Chicago I had 2 jobs and was doing plays pretty regularly so I had very little down time. Now ALL I have is down time but I think that will be ending shortly…especially if I make any of the plays I’ve auditioned for on campus…we shall see…
Hell, it’s still overwhelming. I love being here. I love this city. But when the homesick pangs occur they are intense and brutal. I can’t even begin to tell you all how much I miss you. Its like having a phantom limb not being able to see you all regularly. Its pathetic how much it makes my day when I get an email or a facebook message from a close friend.
Last night was Arthur’s Day.
If you have no idea what that is, don’t worry, neither did I until like a week ago…and really neither did all of Ireland until like 3 years ago. Its a made up holiday celebrating Arthur Guinness and everyone drinks all day in honor of him….think like New Years Eve and Saint Patricks Day rolled into one.
Well played Ireland…well played…
I think that’s all I have to say at the moment. If you have specific questions-just ASK! I will try to answer asap!!
Love you and Miss you all!!
I’m not sure what to write in here.
I don’t feel particularly inspired but I feel like 7 days is another important landmark in my journey.
Rehearsal is going well for If That’s all There Is….we run it again Thursday and Friday and then we go up on Monday night. And then all my friends that have come seen it go drink with me?
We’ll see if that last part pans out…
My mom is in Ireland. She called and left a message. So she’s not dead. That is good.
People keep asking me if I’m excited. The truth is not really. It just seems kinda scary and huge at the moment. 4,000 miles is awfully far away. I’ve just decided to live in a suspended state of denial for the rest of the week.
I’ve been reading this poem by Trumbull Stickney (dear god did his parents hate him! Who names a child Trumbull?!) a lot lately too:
Live blindly and upon the hour. The Lord,
Who was the Future, died full long ago.
Knowledge which is the Past is folly. Go,
Poor child, and be not to thyself abhorred.
Around thine earth sun-wingèd winds do blow
And planets roll; a meteor draws his sword;
The rainbow breaks his seven-coloured chord
And the long strips of river-silver flow:
Awake! Give thyself to the lovely hours.
Drinking their lips, catch thou the dream in flight
About their fragile hairs’ aërial gold.
Thou art divine, thou livest, — as of old
Apollo springing naked to the light,
And all his island shivered into flowers.
Ok friends. I know I’ve been slacking off writing in here and, for that, I apologize.
Needless to say, moving 4,000 miles away is HARD WORK FOLKS.
I need to give a tremendous THANK YOU to all the people that have generously opened their hearts, homes, couches and refridgerators to a middle class white girl in need.
That being said, BOY HOWDY, am I ready to not live out of a suitcase anymore. To have a bed. A DOOR. It’s really the little things in life you learn to appreciate when everywhere and nowhere is your home. I feel like a friggin janitor I have so many keys and none of them belong to me. Deep right?
I went shopping with my mom yesterday. Gots me somz real nice boots and a waterproof jacket and a a new bag. I will be STYLIN! Maybe as I walk down the streets of Dublin cute 20-something-year-old-irish-boys will be like,
"Oh look at that handsomely dressed young woman!"
"Indeed! Let’s go talk to her! Perhaps buy her a Guinness?!"
….This is how Ireland works in my head folks….don’t ruin it.
In all honesty though, the last few days have been really rough for me. I’m not sure if it’s cuz I am still working 2 jobs and trying to do a play (I KNOW..I know…) and I’m feeling a bit overwhelmed but my feelings have been like spontaneously projectiling themselves on my friends. I think this is what it must be like to be like crazy…or pregnant.I just will be walking along and there’s a slow walker in front of me and I get so upset I have to contain myself from throwing a maniac fit at them. Or if my plans to hang out with someone go slightly awry I feel like weeping. Obviously, its not all the time, but I have never been this moody in my life and it’s FUCKING TERRIBLE for everyone. Thank God I have somehow mad it through the labyrinth and I am at peace with it now (am I moving or dying?) but I think I’ve gone through all the stages of grief now and I’m just ready to go.
Alright. So that’s about where I am at the moment. Good Bye dinner with peeps this Saturday night. Hopefully no one will cry. I can’t handle that shit.
SLOW DOWN PLEASE
I feel like i’m missing everything
So I moved out of my apartment yesterday.
It ended up being much more emotional then I thought it would be. I’ve had lots of good times there. It felt like home.
Mostly though, it was stumbling across some old Valentine’s Day cards I had hoarded away like one of those creepy people on TLC.
I wanted to throw them away. I don’t need them. They’re just baggage. Literal and emotional.
I needed them to prove to myself that I had loved, that I can love, and that someday I will again.
So I went to a reading of my friend/mentor’s play called Trouble Shooting last night. SIDE NOTE: awesome play, if I was gonna be around in Chicago I would be all over that like a fat kid on cake.
My friend Sam was there, and she is moving to NYC in a few months, but something she said to me kind of struck me.
"You don’t really talk about your move much."
To which I opened my mouth to reply but fell silent almost instantly. I don’t. She’s right.
….WHY is that?
Maybe it’s because I’m more scared then I am willing to admit to myself. I had a flash of enlightment yesterday walking home. I actually LIKE my life. I have very good friends and a very supportive family. My career is, while not exactly flourishing, headed in the right direction at this point none the less. I feel loved. I feel good. I feel content. Maybe those 3 adjectives are precisly WHY I should leave and purposefully scare myself shitless by taking on grad school and a whole new country.
I remember towards the end of ‘10 beginning of ‘11 thinking, “DEAR GOD I just NEED to get out of here!!” and now with September looming just a few months away I find myself trying to ignore the fact that I am moving thousands of miles away as much as possible.
Hindsight is 20/20 they say…
Or maybe ansence makes the heart grow fonder?
"They" just really need to shut the fuck up.
I saw a ghost in my room the other night.
I woke up out of dead sleep and she was in the corner of my room…and it looked like she was putting stuff away into my dresser.
I stared at her for like 2 minutes willing her to stop exisiting. She just kept putting things away.
I cleared my throat and said hey but she didnt stop doing her thing…so I decided that I just better leave this bitch be and went back to bed.
Well friends, its 8:57am on June 15th and in 11 days I will be 25.
Less then 2 weeks till the big ol’ QUATER CENTURY.
What will I be doin to celebrate you wonder? That is still open to debate since I should be saving money and not spending it on lavish drinking binges for me and my friends. ALTHOUGH, turning 25 is sorta kinda not really a big thing.
THINGS I HAVE LEARNED IN MY 25 YEARS OF LIFE:
If you have a cup of coffee make sure you are near a bathroom 20 minutes later
Nice is different then Good (thank you Stephen Sondheim)
Never trust men who own lacquered wood Indian paintings with howling wolves
Sometimes you just HAVE to spend 450 dollars on a meal.
SOMETIMES drinking too much is fun. None of my favorite stories start off with, “Oh Man!this one night I was really sober…”
See! LOOK at all I’ve learned in a few short MEASLEY 25 years.
Imagine what I’ll know by 5